My Daughter's Birth

I know I have not posted here for months. I have wanted to, but it just hasn't happened. I have gone through so many topics in my head over the past few months that I have wanted to write about, but my problem is this: I need a job. My husband and I move back to Saint Louis in a couple months so that he can finish his final year of school. This means that we won't have his salary for about ten months. I'm not going to put my daughter in daycare, which complicates the process of finding a job. So, on my list of things to do is to figure out how to make money for ten months while stying home with my daughter. Hmmmm. But why does this problem cause you not to blog, you may ask. Well...when I have a problem that needs worked on but that also causes anxiety, I tend to work on everything else that needs done instead--like cleaning the grout in my shower or cleaning up my email inbox. When I do sit down at my computer to write, I feel guilty because I really should be looking for a job--so I get up and start working on the grout again. Sigh.

However, last night I wrote out the story of my daughter's birth. It is a bit late in coming since my daughter was born over thirteen months ago, but I think I still needed some sort of cathartic release as it was a somewhat traumatic experience. And I don't think I have ever completely dealt with everything that happened that day. No one goes into the hospital in labor hoping for an emergency c-section, and after it is all over, you begin to wonder if there was anything you could have done differently. Maybe I could have not tried as hard to get myself to go into labor, maybe my body was not ready. Maybe I should have tried to wait longer to get an epidural. Maybe I should have practiced the natural childbirth relaxation techniques more. Several of my friends have birthed a child completely naturally...why couldn't I? I have felt guilty and inadequate, I have felt like I have needed to share the details of what happened as if to justify the surgery. I have felt fearful of another pregnancy, knowing that I will either have to go through labor or a c-section (or both!) again.

I always come to the same conclusion in the end, though. During my pregnancy, I was planning on being in control of my labor and delivery. I read natural childbirth books, talked to friends, researched online, scheduled a doula to be there, wrote out a birth plan--I knew what I wanted to happen and what I wasn't going to let happen. Yet throughout my labor and surgery, I learned that I am not the one in control. Nothing happened the way I planned, and yet I still ended up with a healthy and beautiful baby girl. God held both of our lives in his hands and got us both through the trauma of childbirth completely unharmed. Month-by-month I let go more and more of what happened that day and focus on trusting God to get me through childbirth again if he happens to bless me and my husband with another pregnancy.

ps - I'll start posting more often, I promise!!